Not one conversation goes by with my mom where she isn’t asking me if I’m in a relationship. While this might be annoying to some people, I honestly understand her curiosity and maybe even confusion.
She came of age in a time where it seems like relationships got real serious real fast. I think it is hard for people who are not teens and 20 somethings during today’s times to understand just how much things have changed when it comes to the dating scene. I remember having a conversation with my aunt about a year ago about this. She told me back when she was my age you dated someone in your inner circle. Maybe someone from church, a person you met at your first job, a childhood friend. There were no dating apps and websites, it was all very nuclear. Being able to get on apps and websites has essentially widened our dating pools so much that we are able to connect with people on different continents, much less our neighborhood. Goneeeee are the days of dating the boy who lived in the house next to you, as seen in literally every 90’s movie.
While my aunt and I were having this talk it brought up perhaps the biggest killer of modern day dating, in my opinion. Ghosting. I know I don’t have to explain what ghosting is but I’m going to do it anyway. Essentially it is when you are talking to and or dating someone and then…you’re not. Either you or they disappear never to be heard from again. (sometimes they come back but that’s a whole different conversation) I happen to believe that there is a lot of nuance that goes into ghosting. The “severity” of the relationship, the length of time that it was going on, etc. I wouldn’t necessarily consider not replying to the rando you met on Tinder a week ago and never met in person, ghosting. But after a couple months and a few dates and you or they just fall off the face of the earth for no apparent reason? For sure. (I don’t want to get too caught up in lengths of time and such as every situation and perspective is different)
I am no stranger to ghosting or being ghosted. Once I started really dating as a young adult it was something that had become so customary to me that I almost expected it to happen with every new person that I met. As I said before, gone are the days of falling in love with your childhood friend for most people. People are online now more than ever, and that is where we are meeting each other. We’ve adjusted to this new, and almost only way a lot of us have ever known. Were the people I met through various apps the BEST the universe had to offer? Hell no and that’s why I ain’t with em! But I did have to learn many long and painful lessons about self worth and self love through the repeated processes of being emotionally and physically vulnerable with people who one day woke up and decided not only was I not for them anymore but that they also did not owe me an explanation why. As someone who is already naturally closed off when it comes to emotions, people essentially leaving me out in the cold after I thought I could trust them did damage to my trust and self esteem that I wasn’t sure I would come back from.
One of the worser(??) times I’d been ghosted was shortly after I moved to Florida as a bright-eyed and naive nineteen year old. Up until that point I’d only had lackluster experiences with relationships that left much to be desired. And since I was essentially all alone in this brand new city knowing only my two family members, what did I do? Download Tinder of course!!!!!!! I ended up matching with this boy we can call…Gabe LOL. From the beginning the chemistry was like nothing I ever experienced. We went on dates, stayed up talking all night. Conversation flowed with no effort from either of us as if we were past-life lovers. who reconnected. *throws up*
I went back home to Philadelphia for my 20th birthday and told my friends all about him, sure that I was on the brink of my first serious relationship. I got back a week later and a week after that I never heard from him again. I asked myself a million questions. Was it me? Something I did? Said? How I looked? My self esteem plummeted and to keep my mind off of having no closure I worked TWO retail jobs..DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON. Do you know how sad I must have been to do some shit like that? Anyone who has ever worked retail during holiday will know exactly what I’m talking about! And you might be reading this and thinking “okay but it could not have been that deep…” but for 2017 Ashleigh who had self love the size of a pebble and abandonment issues the size of a mountain, it was.
I had essentially placed all of my self worth and self love in the hands of this person and when he vanished so did those things. That experience taught me four very valuable lessons that I may or may not have had to learn two or three or five more times… One is it’s almost never about you and almost always some healing needed to be done on their end. Two is that sometimes people just suck, and there is no explanation for it. Three is that if you start romanticizing someone or their potential instead of who they ACTUALLY are, you will lose every time. Four, perhaps the most important, is that you CANNOT let your love for yourself be dependent upon whoever you are romantically involved with.
So socialites, contrary to popular belief, I’m not a perfect person. Shocking, I know. But I’ve done my fair share of ghosting as well. No excuses, but I really do think the situations where I’ve been the ghost-er were just a culmination of unresolved emotion and hurts that I buried and convinced myself I was over. I would get just close enough to people to where if I left without an explanation it would hurt them. I knew this, and I still did it every time. Because deep down I did want the relationship, but there was always something in the back of my mind telling me to leave them first before I was inevitably left. A straight up trauma response.
Once I started to recognize this pattern of getting jussssst close enough to people and then vanishing into thin air, I knew I needed to heal. I couldn’t go on hurting people because I was hurt.
It has taken a lot of self reflection, tears, and anger to get to the point that I am at now, and honestly if I had to quantify it I’d say I’m only about 40% there. My biggest revelation in my journey thus far has been realizing that, for me, a lot of my romantic relationships have been mirrors. Their actions and issues and how they communicated illuminated right back to me all of areas in my life that needed the work. And that isn’t to excuse them, but in a weird way I’ve been able to make sense of it. But also all of my issues regarding self worth and the like haven’t only stemmed from the losers who hurt me, I ain’t giving them THAT much credit. But it definitely played a part in exacerbating pre existing conditions LOL.
As I continue to focus on healing, my discernment has improved ten fold. I recognize red flags faster and won’t entertain someone out of sheer boredom and loneliness. And like I said before, many relationships for me are mirrors. So if I am actively working on myself, who and what I am attracting will match. Energy is reciprocal.
Our dating culture right now is f*cked, really no pretty way to say it. There is also no amount of personal healing that can be done to ensure that the person you’re dating wont just up and leave with zero explanation. Unfortunately thats just a risk we all take. But what I am telling you is that it doesn’t have to kill you. And it won’t. Will it hurt? Probably. And let it for as long as needed. Then remove yourself from the equation. Go to therapy if you have to. Talk to your friends because if we being real they’ve probably been through something similar. *shakes head in disapproval*. Take the time and energy from worrying about the situation and pour it inward because you can’t control other peoples actions., but you can always bet on yourself.
Xo,
Girl About Town
GIRL ABOUT TOWN 